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[personal profile] waltzforanight
Title: you were a blessing and i was a curse
Author: [personal profile] waltzforanight
Fandom: Alt-Country RPF
Pairing: Ryan Adams/Rhett Miller
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 585
Prompt: I used you up like I used them all

Notes: [personal profile] sionnain and I are doing a little prompt exchange thing in order to inspire ourselves to actually finish things. This is the first one from me. ANGSTALICIOUS. Title is from the Wilco song "One Wing".

The worst thing, if you ask Ryan, the absolute worst fucking part is that he desperately wants this time to be different. He wants Rhett to stay happy, to keep that sparkling light in his eyes and the smug (smug about Ryan) curve in his smile and the fucking actual bounce in his step.

Ryan wants Rhett to keep looking at him like he’s the only thing in the world Rhett wants.

But Rhett isn’t, he won’t, he stops and it’s already dimming. Ryan can tell. What he doesn’t know is whether Rhett has figured it out yet. That Ryan is a ruiner, Ruiner Ryan, Ryan is a cancer that will suck out Rhett’s soul and passion and Rhett-ness until there’s nothing left but anger and misery. An empty shell where Rhett Miller used to be.

Sometimes he thinks that Rhett does know. That he must, because there’s a look in his eyes, something dark and twisted that doesn’t belong. Ryan knows what those things look like because he sees them every single day, he lives with them and those things are a part of him, not Rhett.

Maybe he’s projecting. Maybe he’s so afraid that he’s going to make Rhett miserable that it’s easy to assume he already has. The selfish part of Ryan (which is pretty much all of him) wants that to be the truth. He wants to believe that with everything he has, that he’s just making things up that aren’t there.

Ryan wants to believe that, so he does.

It works, for awhile, and things are good. They do normal things like normal people, even though Ryan has never been normal in his life. They hang out in Rhett’s living room and watch Lost, they take Ryan’s car down to the beach and make-out in the back seat like a couple of teenagers, and they go to the mall and Rhett fucking giggles when Ryan gives him a blow job at the movie theatre. That was a goddamn cliche even before Alanis Morrissette wrote a song about it, but Ryan’s willing to lose originality points because Rhett smiles at him so bright afterwards that it makes Ryan’s stomach clench with something he wishes was merely fear.

Sometimes Rhett will smack Ryan across the face when they have sex. It’s what Ryan wants, kind of. He wants more than just a few slaps, if he’s being honest; he wants Rhett to make him hurt like he deserves. But that’s not Rhett’s deal. He’s too nice, too wholesome, he doesn’t think Ryan deserves anything bad. He just fucks Ryan, slaps him some - because everyone likes smacking Ryan, even nice people like Rhett - and leaves him begging for more.

Ryan thinks the phrase kill them with kindness was invented the day Rhett was born.

That phrase doesn’t apply to Ryan. He doesn’t even know what it means, really, just knows that it’s Rhett in the same way that the stars shine and the sun rises and the earth spins around and around. It just is, just like Ryan is the dark shadows the moon brings, Ryan is the motherfucking eclipse, he is darkness and he’s shutting out all of Rhett’s sunshine. Little by little, piece by piece, and all the blow jobs in the universe can’t make up for that.

Ryan wishes he’d learned his lesson the first time.
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August 2010

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